Dear Matt...

Oh Boo...

Life keeps going and you're still not here with me.

Oh, I know not by choice.

I know that.

But still...

I feel your absence everyday.

I think I miss your little face most of all.

It was so bright and kind and funny and intelligent.

It was a face to stop for.

A face that would burrow in my heart.

Deep, deep in there.

You always got annoyed with me cuz I always touched your face.

Well, I loved it!

So there!

I loved to feel the warmth coming off of your skin.

It wasn't baby soft, but it was comforting.

And I loved the roughness of your stubble.

I would look at you while you slept and fall deeper in love with you.

You were so peaceful and looked so innocent.

Those lashes fanning your cheeks.

That soft breathing.

I always wanted to wake you up so that I could tell you how beautiful you were.

You were my love.

You ARE my love.

Soon for all eternity.

I can't wait.

Me

Dear Matt...

It's been awhile, Boo.

And my life is still shit.

I miss you.

I don't think I'll ever stop missing you.

I honestly don't know what I'm supposed to do without you.

You were my life.

You were my all.

You were mine.
And now I'm alone.

Soon though, we'll be sealed for all time.

I can't wait.

I know I'll see you again, but it really is little consolation.

I want to touch you.

I want to hug you.

I want so desperately to kiss you.

It's amazing how much and yet how little my life has changed.

I don't think I'll ever love like I loved you.

I don't think I'll ever find another like you.

You were perfect.

Well, perfect for me. :)

I hate my life, Boo.

I hate it so much.

I don't think any of this is fair.

I just wanted to be happy.

That's all I ever wanted.

And now, I don't think I'll ever be happy.

Ever.

I'm so tired.

So tired of being happy for other people.

So tired of trying not to cry.

I just want to be with you.

Just you.

I want to feel your arms around me.

I want to lay my head on your arm.

I want to feel the warmth of your skin.

I just want you, Boo.

So bad.

Please, Boo, don't forget me.

Don't ever forget how much I love you.

Always.

Always.

Me

Dear Matt...

Your Uncle got a clean bill of health!
It's great news! It really is.
But I am devastated inside.
Why you?
Why were you taken away?
I don't begrudge others their miracles, but why couldn't we get one?
I feel like I am to blame.
Like God took you from me because I wasn't good enough.
I was going to make you miserable.
You were too good for me.
Too wonderful.
I would have ruined you, just like I ruin everything else.
I don't think I'll ever stop asking "Why?"
I don't think I'll ever understand.
I wish so hard that we could have gotten our own miracle.
We could have gotten a life.
Now I am all alone.
All alone.
Forever.
Cuz why would I ruin someone else's life?
Look what I did to you.
I am no good.
And that's why I am going stay alone.
Just alone.
I'm so sorry, Boo.
I'm sorry I ruined you.
I'm so sorry.
So sorry.

Me

Dear Matt...

I miss you.
But I think I'm going to be OK.
I don't feel so empty.
I had that dream a while ago.
It was so warm and comforting.
But I know nothing will come from it.
But at least it helps me stay alive.
It helps me remember that I'm still here.
I thank him for that.
Even though he will never know it, that dream has given me strength.
I love you, Boo.

Me

Dear Matt...

Life is a mess.

I get irritated so quickly.

Sometimes I just want to lie in bed all day.

Shut out the world and all it has to offer.

Cuz the one thing that I wanted from it, is gone.

Torn away.

And now I'm left with all these stupid feelings.

Feelings of inadequacy.

Of misdirection.

Of ineptitude.

And of betrayal.

I'm so sorry, Boo.

I feel like I did betray you.

And for what?

or Whom?

No one!

No one who is worth the agony.

No one who will be anything more.

I always put myself in this situation.
I always make an idiot of myself.

I did ask you for help.

You gave it to me.

You gave me a date.

A date to remember and recall how foolish I was.

How ridiculous I was.

A date I will always associate with him.

And now...with Him.

Never again.

I just wish I could disappear from my life now.

Go far away and live in absolute anonymity.

Forget everything and everyone.

And just be.

Just Be.

This life sucks.

A lot.

Me

Dear Matt...

I miss you. I got a Church calling on Sunday. I teach Primary, 5 year old.

Can you believe someone is trusting me with these malleable minds? :)
I trying to be good. I'm tyring to be strong. But it's so hard.

I smell the orange blossoms and I think of you.

It was your favorite smell.

Today, I had to lock up late by myself, and I missed you so much.

You took care of me, always.

You were always there when I needed you, no matter what.

Boo, I feel so bad that I wasn't around more for you in that last month.

If I had known, I would never have left your side.

Never.

I would have been nicer, I would have told you everyday how happy you had made me.

I would have been more patient.

You deserved so much better than me.

I know you did.

You know you did.

I'm so sorry, Boo. I'm so sorry for being me.

I should have been better. I should have tried harder.

But you never showed me you were sorry you married me.

I was so lucky to have you.

I know that I will never find another like you.

There is no one who I can love that will love me as much and as unconditionally as you did.

Boo, I need your help. I need your strength.

I don't know what I'm supposed to do.

I had that dream a while ago and now I'm so confused about what I feel, if I really feel like that. Or was it caused by the dream?

I feel like I cheated.

I just don't know.

But I do know that it just wouldn't work, right?

We're too different.

I don't know, Boo, but I need help.

I need some guidance, and who better than the smartest man I know, right?

I love you.
Me

Dear Matt...

I hate my life.

I feel so alone.

All the time.

I hate not seeing you everyday.

I hate not hearing your laughter.

I hate not waking up with you.

I hate not being able to touch your face.

I hate not being able to text you.

I hate not going out with you.

I hate not being able to burst in on you in the shower.

I hate not cooking dinner with you.

I hate not being able to play Rock Band with you.

I hate not going to Disneyland with you.

I hate not going to the beach with you.

I hate not being able to have children with you.

I hate not being able to argue with you.

I hate not getting to be mad cuz you are always right.

I hate not being able to be teased by you.

I hate not watching our TV shows together.

I hate not sitting next to you in the movies.

I hate crying myself to sleep every night.

I hate making desicions alone.

I hate making changes.

I hate thinking about the future.

I hate bothering other people for my stupid computer questions.

I hate not having you.

I hate having to live without you.

I hate having to be happy all the time.

I hate not being able to curl up in a little ball in the corner of a dark closet,

shut my eyes, and dissapear.

I don't know if I'll ever stop hating.

Me