Dear Matt...

"I love you not only for what you are, but for what I am when I am with you"

~Elizabeth Barrett Browning

Oh, but that Elizabeth lady had a way with the words.

You truly made me a better person.

You made me a happy one.

My life is hard to justify right now.

With you, I had a reason for being, a reason for living.

Now, I have to stay busy.

Busy.

Busy.

Because it hurts too much to stand still and take in everything that has happened in the last couple of months.

I want to forget.

I want to go to sleep for as long as it takes for me to wake up next to you.

I hurt everywhere.

I hurt inside and out.

Even my fingers hurt.

Sometimes I want to throw something.

All this pressure builds up inside and I want to destroy something.

Just the way I am destroyed.

I want to scream!

I want to shout!

I want to explode into tiny unrecognizable bits!

I want to cease!

I just want to...

I just want ...

I just want you!

Just you.

Oh, Boo, I think the anger is catching up.

I am just so furious at the injustice of it all.

Why?

Why were you taken?

Did Heavenly Father take you away because you were too good for me?

Did I not deserve you?

I honestly don't think I did.

I honestly think you deserved so much more than me.

Maybe that's why you are gone.

I just wasn't good enough, Boo

You were so much more than me.

So much better than me.

I'm sorry I wasn't what you needed, what you deserved.

I'm sorry, Boo.

I'm so sorry.

I'm so so sorry.

Please.

I'm so sorry.

I love you.

I love you.

I love you.

And it hurts.

It's tearing me up slowly and twisting around, shattering me to nothing.

It's the worst kind of agony.

This is the worst kind of life.

Me